August 18th

Well, this is a day I have dreaded for a long time. A really long time. I'm sorry if this happens to be your birthday, or a day you are excited for. To me, this day makes me what to throw up. This is the day I will say goodbye to my large intestine. Yes, there goes my colon. I h.a.t.e. Crohns/Colitis. I had to type both of these losers because the doctors can't seem to figure out which one of these diseases I actually have. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was 15 but then later rediagnosed around 21 with Crohns because of different symptoms. My doctor now believes that it is Colitis, but the surgeon who is performing my surgery says that what she can see its Crohns. Soooooooo, to say I want to have a mental breakdown would be an understatement. All I can really think about is this life here on Earth is the closest I will ever come to hell. Is that horrible to say? I don't think it is, I just know that this struggle for me on Earth makes me long for my pain-free eternity with the Ultimate Healer, Jesus Christ. I have to remind myself everyday that I can't expect this life to be perfect because God doesn't call my life to be perfect. I am a wretched sinner ONLY saved by his grace. Why should I expect to not have trouble? I want to struggle so that God's glory can be revealed. But that doesn't mean I can't be scared.
I am terrified. 1. because everybody knows I am a big fat baby and 2. because I really do truly want to live a long life, and when I say long that means seeing my great grandchildren get married. If thats even possible?? and 3. because I don't want my mission here on Earth to be complete. I mean if Jesus says its done, then that would be it but I don't want it to be. Can you tell I'm scared of dying? I know this is practically a routine surgery, but in my mind I am calculating everything that could possibly go wrong, and because I am an idiot, I asked the surgeon to tell me things that could go wrong!!! WHY????!!! I don't know, because again, I'm an idiot. So now the hour and a half long surgery consultation of what the surgery consists of and what will take place has now all been forgotten and the only part I remember is the things that could possibly go wrong.
I just want to say that death doesn't scare me, I know the minute I close my eyes and my heart stops I will be in the arms of my Savior. Dying, however, does scare me though because of what I am leaving behind, my husband, my 2 girls, and my family. That is scary. (And yes, to me there is a difference between death and dying, atleast to me, because I am weird like that.)
Okay, thats my spill about whats been going on in my head. I know right, you do NOT want to be in my head!! It is not a fun place to be right now, and probably won't be until I wake up after the surgery.

If you read this, I just ask that you be in prayer for me and my family. For peace of mind (mine), and for the surgeon, for the decision that had to be made and for a very speedy recovery. I really want to get back to life and actually enjoy it.
Thank you for praying for me. I appreciate it more than you will truly ever know. I have so many pictures I want to post from June and July but am just consumed with this surgery. I just can't seem to think about anything else so hopefully soon I will grow up and quit acting like a poor pitiful baby and move on then you can see what we have been up to.